Just remember to enjoy the autumn air, the changing colors of the leaves, and the precious moments of time you have.  Enjoy family and friends and some of the simpler things that bring us joy.

Knowing we are already into fall with the last couple of months of 2011 ahead of us, reminds me how close I am to the new year, another birthday, and fortunately, the birth of my second child.  Life comes so quickly sometimes and we have to be ready for it!  Whether love, career, family, or friends…

When I first met you I was so young.  I had so little experience out here in this big world.  I was naïve and innocent, uncomplex, and idealistic.   You seemed to come in just when I needed you, strong, powerful, and protective.  You reminded me of all the dangers this great big world had and how much I needed to stay away from possible hurts.  You, a shadowy figure, masquerading as the people I knew and loved, engrained in me that risks were bad, being different was a social death sentence, that failure was to be avoided, and success might not be what it’s all cracked up to be.  I sang a song aloud that the crowd sang, but inside a different tune rang out.  I tried to quiet that melody; it made me feel too alive, and as you’d taught me before, being too alive was dangerous. 

Fear, it’s been a long road.  A hard and difficult road.  I tried to honor you by not crossing those lines you drew.  I tried to live in a way that would please you.  But I couldn’t please you.  I never could keep you happy.  For you always wanted more of me, more of my possibility, more of my hope.   You could not be satisfied with shaping me into the woman I’d become.  You had to remind me even still that I should not ask for me, that I shouldn’t risk stepping out on my own, that I should be satisfied with the mundane relationships, and that I truly couldn’t trust anyone to keep me safe as well  as you.

Fear, I must now tell you that the reason I haven’t answered your call lately is because I don’t want to hear from you.  I don’t want your voice in my head so that’s why we haven’t talked.  I decided to start singing out loud that song I used to only hum in my head.  I know you are there and you keep calling for me, but certain relationships just aren’t good. I’m figuring that out for myself now.  My relationship with you has kept me back for too long.  It’s kept me in denial of myself.  I’ve denied myself so much and it’s just not fair. It’s not fair to me to let you keep me from experiencing life.  If I fall, I fall. If I fly, I fly.  But either way I’ll be doing it based on my choices and what I want.  From now on you don’t get to decide what I risk and what I hold onto.  You don’t get to decide what passions I pursue and who I will or won’t love. 

You probably think I sound unreasonable right now, even a bit insane.  I mean to toss aside a relationship that I’ve had since I first cried and learned that the best way to get what I needed was to be what someone else needed me to be.   Well, I think it would be insane for me to keep listening to you.  You know, insanity is to keep doing the same thing and expect something different to happen. 

I don’t expect that you’ll stop calling. In fact I know you won’t.  I don’t expect that I’ll never talk to you again.  I suspect I may not always have a conscious choice.  But right now, today, in this moment, I am choosing to make me, not you, the deciding factor in how I live my life. 

Take care of yourself.  I know you didn’t mean to hurt me or make me miss out on so much.  I know you were only trying to protect me and make sure I survived.  Well survival isn’t good enough anymore.  It’s time for me to live.

Good bye,

Liberated for Life

Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandma’s lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground…
5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.. 

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional…
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions…
6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone. 

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus..
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver’s license.
At age 35 success is . . . ..having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money..
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . … . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.

Question: What are your Great Truths? Have some more, please leave a comment.

One of my Great Truths is that you may never really get ‘there’.  But you have to keep going anyway, since the journey may truly be the destination.

Detour Ahead

Life is a lot like a road trip.  With its twist and turns, places to stop, yield, merge, and even find an alternate route due to detours and roadblocks.  It’s how we navigate the journey that defines us, help us learn, helps us grow.  Whether you reach your destination or find yourself going in circles can be the result of something as simple as following the directions and the signs you see.

There are those who jump in the car with nothing more than a change of underclothes and there are others who plan out every single detail, trying to account for every possible unexpected incident.  Between those two spectrums are where most of us live, doing some planning ahead and preparation, but not so much as to take the fun out of it.

Whatever your planning style, don’t let detours ruin your journey.  But if you’ve been detoured or haven’t necessarily been following your map, what do you do?  Being lost on a road trip is completely frustrating and drains your energy and enthusiasm for your trip.  You may question whether this journey is really one you should have taken, where you may have lost your way, and if you will ever see a familiar landmark so you can get back on track.

We experience detours in areas of our life such as our career, relationships with friends, family, and significant others, and even in things such as how you have presented yourself to the world (your image and style and extra-curricular activities).  Perhaps you’ve started a career path and two years later asked yourself why you are doing it, wondering if you’d be better doing something else, or why you can’t stand going to work every day.  It can come out in relationships when you begin thinking that you don’t fit with your friends, you realize you want to do more with your life but it would require what seems like a complete turn around and starting over again.  You may even question whether you can be the best version of yourself with the person you are with.  Perhaps you’ve felt like the person you present to the world doesn’t serve you and where you want to go anymore.  You are at a point where you may need to turn around when possible, or find an alternate route.  You may even need to find a new destination.

There are things you can do to get back on the right road or to figure where you want to go so you can get on the right road.  Consider some honest work and some self-analysis.  Ask yourself the tough questions you may have been avoiding, using excuses such as ‘I don’t have time right now’, ‘it’s not the right time to focus on me’, “I just have too much other stuff on my plate”, or “I should be grateful for what I have, it’s not so bad’.  This last one is very dangerous because it sets a standard for yourself based on others, not on what you truly want for yourself.  These excuses serve as roadblocks to a better life.  Roadblocks can cause us to stagnate especially if we don’t turn around or don’t find a new route. We remain trapped, simply staying on this road that up ahead is blocked, going nowhere.

Make a choice to start living today; to decide where you want to be and how to get there.  There will always be signs to yield, merge, turn around, find a new route and detours, its how you deal with them that will determine how quickly you reach your destination.

Roll on!

Elliott is in the photo on the show’s page.  He is in front standing with a black shirt and his hands on his waist.

Please take a moment and give him a vote to show your support. VOTE FOR HIM HERE

Or copy/paste this link: http://www.hgtv.com/all-american-handyman/show/index.html
We think there may be something good in it for the person with the most votes.   In the picture I saw on there he is the one in the front of the shot with a black shirt on (standing  with hands on hip).

Watch this Sunday at 9pm on HGTV.  Go Elliott!

How many times have you seen or heard about someone who did something amazing or unusual and thought to yourself, ‘I wish I had the guts’ or ‘if only I could do that’.  We allow ourselves to experience life through other people, rather than experiencing life through our own lives.  I believe we are here for the physical experience and the lessons that come with it.  We are here to enjoy the reality of our physical beings blended with the metaphysical reality that we are more than just physical beings.  But too often we allow societal norms and expectations to govern our experiences, put us in boxes, put tape across it with a nice bow and say ‘there, now you’ll fit in’.

I have had the privilege (hmmm, is that how it can be described?) of being given many opportunities for not fitting in.   I learned very early that being like everyone else wasn’t necessary.  I could survive being different.  It wasn’t always easy and it still isn’t always easy, but the rewards can be life-changing and life-affirming.  Dancing on the edge of normalcy means sometimes putting caution in the box, while you step out.  It means taking the bow off and taking a little risk.  It means honoring yourself and your own expectations ahead of society’s expectations and sometimes tuning out the whole world so you can listen to the music of your heart.

One day I may write my life story and when I do, I want it to read like a fiction novel.  The kind that inspires people to live.  I want it to remind people that they were given this life to experience, not just get through, going through the daily motions of survival. If that were all we were to do, we’d have come as turtles or flies.  But instead you came a powerful being, able to create with the use of your body, your mind, your spirit the life you desire. Able to overcome any obstacle you confront. Able to move through the discomfort of stepping out of the square dance so you can explore something new.  We have a finite amount of time here.  You have things you are supposed to be doing and experiencing and the life you are personally meant to live.  Do them. Experience them. Live them. Be honest about what you want to do, be, and experience.  Be honest about the life you are meant to live. Now get busy dancing to the music of your heart.

A song I enjoy listening to reminds me of this.  It’s by Kris Allen and it’s called “Live Like We’re Dying”.  You may find a sample here.

When I hear it I am reminded that our time is limited and we have to live now, stop wasting time.  Like Morgan Freeman said in The Shawshank Redemption “get busy living, or get busy dying”.  Might I suggest you get busy living?

Honesty must begin within. It must start at your own core and being. Your ability to be honest with yourself, about who you are, what you want, and why.  It is easy to get swept away by romance, society’s ideals, and outside pressure.  It’s easy and common to put aside your personal preferences in those early stages of dating to set the right impression and not scare off Mr. or Mrs. Right.  But what good will it do you to make it through those first six months or even two years when the hormones in your brain are on overdrive and things look rose perfect even when the rose is drooping and the petals are falling off?

Self integrity in preparation for a real relationship says that you need to be who you really are, and accept yourself for your strengths and flaws, before expecting anyone else to.  Even more, you must accept yourself and be honest about yourself before you can expect that you will find someone who will be honest (with him or herself and with you).

If you have found yourself feeling disillusioned, trapped, or misunderstood after the initial stages of your romance, ask yourself if you’ve been keeping back aspects of you are and simply not being yourself?  Are you the jeans and flip-flops type and are conforming to a partner who prefers button downs and dress shoes?  Or do you love sci-fi but never mention it because your partner seems to only enjoy suspense?  Do you act completely differently when you are around his or her friends?  Everyone acts a bit differently than in the comfort of their own home, when they are out; but are you completely a different person?

If you think your personal level of honesty towards yourself isn’t where it should be and that you may be sacrificing some of your wishes, interests, and qualities to appear more desirable to your partner have a little ‘talk’ with yourself to get to the heart of it.

The same applies to couples who may be married and find themselves disillusioned because they have grown over time, but perhaps they don’t feel they have grown together.  Growth and change in a long-term relationship is natural.  How we handle it can make or break your relationship.

Ask yourself these questions. Honestly.

1. How would I describe the person I was when I was 10?
2. How would I describe the person I am now?
3. How would I describe the person I am when I am with my partner?
4. What do I love most about myself?
5. What quality does my partner love most about me?
6. What impact does my partner have on my lifestyle, activities, and friends?
7. What impact does my partner have on my appearance and presentation?
8. Why is it important for me to be true to myself?

After answering these questions, what are your initial thoughts and feelings?  Go through each question and jot down a sentence about what you are thinking about your response AND how you feel about your response.

This exercise can help you start to realize areas where you are and are not being authentic and hones to yourself.  Additional work may be helpful in overcoming barriers you have to reaching your true and honest self.  If you are in a relationship, share this exercise with your partner and talk about your responses.  If having this conversation is too difficult, it may be a sign that you are not able to be who you are in your relationship or that you may need additional assistance in communicating with your partner.

Most of us know in our minds that in order for a relationship to work it takes commitment.  But when it comes to living that commitment, it can be a bit more challenging, especially when faced with disappointment or disillusionment.  How we choose to ‘be’ in those moments can determine whether the relationship sinks or soars.

Relationship commitment is a choice.  It is that desire within to make something work and to stick with something, because it is important.   When we commit ourselves to another person, we say that we want that relationship to work because it is important.  Relationships, however, pose challenges that committing to a career, a trade, or a skill do not.  We are faced with the personalities of someone else and their independent wants and needs.  It becomes an intricate dance with leaps and dives and balance.  There are ups and downs and unexpected turns, but commitment to the relationship means that you go through the dance, together.  You experience the changing rhythms, and when you are in a committed relationship, you do this together.

There are times, when one or both of you may feel weary from what seems to be lows that last too long with too few highs in between, or from bickering, or even silence.  You may feel as if passion and intimacy aren’t where you want them to be or that your interests and aspirations have changed and you are no longer heading in the same direction.

One of the realities of long-term relationships is that there should be change and growth in you as individuals and as a couple.  You should not be stagnant and if you are your relationship and your life satisfaction will ultimately suffer.  This often happens when one partner is changing and the other is not, or they are changing in different directions.  Dissatisfaction and disillusionment set in.  You begin to find fault either with your partner or with yourself, and begin to question your choices and your partner.

During difficult relationship times is when commitment is most important. It is when you must recall from deep within that desire that brought you together.  These are the times when the memories you’ve created together can serve as a reminder of the joy and happiness that is possible.  This is when you take a moment and reflect on the qualities you fell in love with and still love about your partner.

This is not the time to do what our human nature finds easiest and, often times, most satisfying to do.  You can’t save or heal a relationship by allowing the little voice in your head (or the voices of friends and family) to remind you of everything that is not perfect or ideal about your mate, or every mistake she has ever made.  You can’t begin comparing him to other men you think would be better partners.  When you begin to do this, you begin to chip away at what makes your partner special.  And something does make your partner special. You fell in love with something about your partner.

How do you get through your doubts, dissatisfaction, and disillusionment?  You renew your commitment.   You rekindle some of that magic you had and reignite what is special about your union.  One exercise that is helpful in getting a grip on our emotions and reality in this particular situation is the Positives List.  I came up with this list as way to help individuals and couples in difficult relationships do a positive check on their partners.  In other situations it is helpful to make a list of positives and negatives about a situation.  In this list for helping you renew your commitment, it is unhelpful to have the negatives list.

Creating Your Positives List

1. On a lined sheet of paper, write the numbers 1 to 5 on the left margin.
2. At the top you’ll have the headers ‘Quality/Trait’ and ‘Example’.
3. Think of positive quality or trait about your partner and write it down next to number 1.
4. Then think of one example of how this trait has positively affected or impacted you or your lives together.
5. Go on to number 2 through 5.  If you have more than 5, keep going.

As an aside, if you are truly dissatisfied and cannot find anything to be hopeful seek professional coaching or education prior to making a decision that could impact the rest of your life.  If you are in a relationship that is emotionally or physically harmful, your well-being must take precedence. Seek professional support and guidance, not excluding legal assistance or mental health counseling.

I am not so naïve to think that our environment and all that we experience do not play a part in who we are, but it doesn’t determine who we are or who we can be.  Instead, it creates a perspective through which we are able to take in the world we are a part of.  You see, because of how I grew up I can appreciate a single mother’s struggle to provide for her children on limited income. I can see through the eyes of a child who on the first day of school doesn’t want to go because, again, this year she has nothing new to wear.  I can feel for the kids who can’t buy the icecream at school and opt-out of field trips because there simply isn’t enough money for it.  And I appreciate the father who works hard to support his family, doing whatever he must, because I didn’t have that myself.  I value the teachers who value every child for their potential and not for their socio-economic class.  I value the friends I had who were gay but showed more love for others and life than most straight people I know.  I value that I grew up always different either due to religion, race, culture, or interests so I respect the right of people to be individuals.

I can look through the eyes of so many and imagine myself in their shoes. And as I do, I often wonder, would I do something differently? If so, what, and how?  We often judge without taking into account what another person is going through or has gone through. We often don’t know the strides a person has already made at the point that we see them.  You see a struggling mother living in a rundown apartment with three children. She sees herself finally having a place outside of an abusive home where she can be safe and her children aren’t in a shelter anymore.

It is perspectives and perceptions that shape us.  The man driving in a car that smokes and jerks may have finally started earning enough to stop taking the bus one and a half hours each way to work.  And on the flip side the woman in that nice car that you may at first think is a snob, may have grown up in poverty and struggled hard her whole life to live the way she does while still giving back to her community.

When you look out of your lens to view the world, what do you see?  What do you allow yourself to see?  Imagine you are looking through a kaleidoscope…turn it…look again. Things may look a bit differently. Allow yourself to see the world from someone else’s perspective.  Picture yourself in that same position. It is harder to ignore, belittle, judge, and hate when you allow yourself to reflect on yourself.  We are all one and what one does affects another.  Change the way you see the world and as a consequence you change the world you see.

When we take the time to consider different viewpoints when looking at others, we learn to take that same latitude with ourselves; giving ourselves a little bit of grace – and a break. We are not perfect.  Most people try to be good and some try to be great.  However, you cannot reach greatness if you cannot change the view.  The view from the mountain is certainly different from that of the beach. Both are beautiful – but they are quite distinct.

(Rev. 8/6/10)

View from El Yunque Mountain Top

View from Beach in Hawaii